I used to be a prisoner of my five senses. Anything beyond the horizon of my physical senses are unreal to me. While studying history in school, the subject was not very interesting to me because I had an insurmountable difficulty in believing that those events actually took place and those fascinating historical figures ever existed because I was not there to witness the events or see those people.
This is also the main reason why I had difficulty in reaching out to God. I long to be set free. My spirit was like a bird in the cage of my five senses. I had put my trust in human beings because I could see and touch human beings. Time and again I was rudely confronted with the fact that human beings were not trustworthy at all; even the best of them would let me down because they were limited. Eventually I realized that I could not depend on any human being no matter how wonderful he or she was. I also found out that I could not depend on myself completely because I, too, had my own limitations. Often times I did more harm to myself than my enemies did to me. I need to depend on a being without limitation. In those days God was very unreal to me, something beyond the reach of my five senses. My faith was practically non-existent.
For many years I dallied with God; sometimes I thought I had faith or was emotionally influenced by others who had faith. My faith in God was not an independent reality; it was dependent on my feelings and my feelings were controlled by my moods. This fact gradually dawned upon me. I was a person not only trapped in my physical body but in my five senses and I never could seem to build a relationship with God even though I need to know Him desperately.
My relationship with God seemed to be seasonal; there were times when I sought Him with every atom of my being and there were times when I completely forgot His existence and behaved as though I was a self-created being and completely in control of my future. I wanted to seek happiness my own way; I wanted the credit of being the author of my own destiny – the captain of my own soul.
Most of the times things would get out of control and went wrong; sometimes terribly wrong; I was thrown back to the only resource I know - God!
I was wandering far, far away from my Creator……. until one day in early 1998; one day in the middle of March 1998, I was folding the deckchair which was jammed; I expended all my strength,,,,,,until, yes it closed with a lightning Bang! I felt a heavy blow to my right eye – the metal bar of the deckchair had struck my right eyeball. My right eye was numb for some time; there was no bleeding. I looked in the mirror and examined my right eye. It looked normal to me and there were no bruises either. But deep inside me, I had an inexplicable dread that something was terribly wrong but I did not know what it was. I was to know very soon. The following night while walking back from a friend’s house, I became aware there was a flashing light. Of course, as it was dark at night, I thought that the light streamed from a natural source – from a light in somebody’s house or a lamp somewhere. As I went on, the flashing light followed my right vision. When I shook my head, the flashing light was like a fork of lightning in action. The full horror dawned upon me immediately! The flashing light was not a light that I had seen outside myself. The flashing light came from within my own injured right eye. I was numbed with horror and dread. What was I to do? I kept shaking my head as though I could shake the flashing light away.
As time went on, I sank into an abysmal depression from which I could not see a way out; I lost my zest for life; I could not enjoy my food and gradually my weight and looks depreciated. Of course, as usual I turned to human beings first because they were so real to me. I went to see the eye specialist at the General Hospital. After examining my eyes, she could not give me the hope I was waiting to hear; after hearing her opinion, I was overcome with despair. According to her, my condition was not going to improve; on the contrary, it definitely was going to deteriorate. There was no medication for such a condition. I was emotionally numbed; I moved about like a zombie, mentally detached from my surroundings. I contacted my closest girlfriends and poured out my woes and fears to them. Of course, they were sympathetic. They also tried ways and means to help me. During the night, I was unable to sleep; I tossed and turned on my back. It was worse at night because the flashes of lightning were more pronounced, more palpable. I could not turn my head without the flashes of lightning following my vision. I became desperate looking for a cure. I went to see Lim Eye Clinic. After examing my right eye, his verdict was “vitreous detachment”. I could not really understand what it was; it was explained to me that the vitreous became detached from the retina as a result of heavy impact directly on the eye. He reassured me that the condition was not dangerous but I felt it definitely was distressing – I was almost going crazy in looking for a way out of my predicament. He gave me some medicine. I thought it odd that he could give me medication when the hospital eye specialist had told me that there was no medication for such a condition. I was a bit comforted; at least he was able to give me some medication. I was suspicious of course. Were those tablets mere placebo to deceive me and give me false reassurance? I consumed the tablets; needless to say, there was no improvement. Days and nights dragged on; I could not escape from the flashing light. I lost weight very fast. All the hard work of increasing my weight were then set back by several pounds.
I went to see another specialist, Dr Shaik , for a third opinion. He too, was able to give me medication but after consuming it, there was no noticeable improvement. I realised that those two doctors were probably deceiving me or giving me false hopes but I was so desperate for a glimmer of hope that I was actually grateful. Even false hopes were preferable to the eternal night of no hope.
Finally, in desperation I went to see the specialist at Gleneagles Medical Centre. After examining my eyes, he came forth with the brutal truth. The vitreous, which is a jelly-like substance, was really detached from the retina and the condition was going to get progressively worse with age. According to him, there was no cure or reversal of the condition, no drugs that could attach the vitreous to the retina.
I was beyond the reach of medical help; there was absolutely no hope, no hope – those words rang in my ears like the funeral dirge.
His words were the last things I wanted to hear; it was like a death sentence to me. I was afraid that my eyesight was permanently damaged and that one day I would even become blind; I could not imagine life without my eyesight. I thought death would be more merciful to me than blindness. But my entire being shrank from the thought of death. Death was the great unknown, the annilation of self and consciousness. Would I cease to exist? And where would I go? For the first time, I came face to face with the reality of death, the inevitability of death, the certainty of death one day….but that is still a long way in the future perhaps. I did not have the courage to face life without my eyesight and I did not have the courage to face death either. I felt trapped, hopeless and in the deepest depths of despair.
I felt lonely, isolated in my despair, beyond the reach of anyone ; for days I moved about like a robot. .Those days were the loneliest of my life.
But I would not give up hope; I realized how limited medical science was. I asked some of my girlfriends to pray for me and I attended as many healing services as possible. I began to realize how frail I was, how limited and helpless I was; I began to seek God with all my heart; longed for Him as travellers in a desert dying of thirst longed for water. On one occasion I asked an African pastor whose wife was miraculously healed of brain tumour whether God could really heal my eye. We were on the seventh floor of Harbour Trade Centre overlooking the sea and the horizon beyond; he looked at me and said, “Look at the beauty all around you; all these were made by God. Since God could make all these, healing your eye would be a very simple task!”
For the first time I saw light at the end of the tunnel; I prayed relentlessly; sought people who could give me stories of healing testimonies from their own experiences. I no longer saw myself as an independent human being in control of my destiny. I realized I depended on God for my very breath. I wanted to experience the reality of God. But I could not see, touch or feel God like the way I could see, touch or feel a human being.
For the first time I saw myself as a prisoner of my five senses; as a bird in a cage longed to be free, I longed to break forth from the cocoon of my flesh and launch myself into the spiritual universe. I wanted to walk by faith, to experience reality beyond my five senses.
My intense spiritual struggle lasted for several months; many times I stumbled but I always picked myself up as my need for God was so intense and overpowering.
Even as I prayed, I kept shaking my head to see if the flashes of light were gone; I wanted to test my healing. One night about four or five months after the accident, I suddenly found that most of the flashes of light were gone. I was very excited; contrary to the prediction of the specialist, the condition of my eye did not deteriorate. In fact, it was getting better . I praised and thanked the Lord.
It has been one long spiritual pilgrimage since that day. Almost ninety-five percent of the flashes were gone, never to return. I continued to walk by faith for complete healing. Why didn’t God heal me completely? This is a question I am still asking all these years. I believe one day suddenly I am going to find that complete healing has come to my eye. There will not be even the faintest vestige of flash as I turned my head even in the depths of a dark night.
But even more important than healing, I want to be independent from the control of my five senses. I have been taught to believe in my healing despite the presence of the symptoms – I desperately want to. I still focus my thoughts on the 5 percent of flashes that still remain – I am fighting with my doubts and unbelief with all my five senses and I realise that I am not going to win unless I can transcend my flesh, that is, my physical senses and enter another realm – the spiritual realm which is so far beyond my reach. I do not want my spirit to be trapped in this physical world – I want to soar in the spirit to worlds beyond my reach where the impossible can happen, where God is in control. I am still flapping my wings like a baby bird.
AFTERTHOUGHT
As the years rolled on, I began to learn that there are two worlds we live in – the seen world and the unseen world. And I am still very much a prisoner of my five senses in that I am very much controlled by my flesh and my five physical senses.
I am not only a prisoner of my five senses but a prisoner inside my physical body as my spirit is trapped inside. I often struggle within myself to believe in the miraculous and it is almost like a physical effort. The spiritual world seems closed to me as I am unable to enter it. How can I break through its door? Is my faith strong enough, powerful enough to move the mountain of unbelief ? How can I live by faith outside my physical senses? I am still taking one step at a time but I believe there is a tiny breach somewhere in the massive wall of unbelief and the breach is getting bigger day by day. Hallelujah! My spirit will soon be free to roam into the spiritual world and I will be able to live in three dimensions – body, soul and spirit. It took thousands of years for mankind to discover and harness the use of electricity and radio waves but electricity and radio waves have existed right from the beginning of creation. Similarly, the spiritual world is real and eternal but we finite physical beings are not aware of its existence most of the time or not at all. We have a spirit but most of us are unaware of the existence and reality of our spirits or spiritually dead. Only the Holy Spirit can quicken our spirits and bring them to life. Hence, I am seeking the infilling of the Holy Spirit which has eluded me so far.
PRAISE TO THE LORD!
I am completely healed of the injury to my right eye - I confirm it today, 29th August 2009. It took more than eleven years for complete healing but my faith has been persistently growing for greater battles ahead. I will tell more of that in another story.
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